Starting to Get the Shakes

On Tuesday November 18th at 3:17 pm I decided to give up Facebook for exactly one week. I did this because I have a problem. It isn't necessarily that I am going through everyone's pictures or reading their interests or looking through posted items to see if I find anything good. And it isn't even that I re-read my info sections on a regular basis to make necessary corrections or that I go in search of funny lines from 30 Rock and South Park to update my status or peruse the internet for things I can post on my wall. It isn't what I do on Facebook. I'd say most people probably do those things (right? right?). It's the frequency. I go on Facebook anywhere from 15 - 20 times a day... That may even be an understatement.

Whenever I read anything mildly entertaining or hear a line that I think is in any way funny, the first thing I want to do is post it on Facebook. This, my friends, is insane. It is insane in a way that makes complete sense in my head when I'm changing my status for the fourth time that day, deleting the others so no one will know exactly how much of my time is consumed with quoting funny lines from movies, TV and David Sedaris. It's insane because NO ONE cares and, although I can think of one exception to the rule, no one even notices. In fact the only person I can think of who would notice that "Elena is tippy canoe and Tyler too" has the same problem as me.

It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm detached from the physical world, like I know everything about people that I don't even say hi to when I see them in real life, like there is a separate existence inside this 17" screen where I exchange witty banter with other people through status updates and that is downright frightening. At times I take a step back and I see myself myself doing this and I just think, "oh dear God, that is unbearably creepy."

And when I do have real conversations with people I find myself intertwining their Facebook personalities with their real life selves.
Example:
"I'm going to go watch Love Actually want to come?"
"I'd rather not."
"What?! I thought it was one of your favorite movies!"
"Kind of... wait when have I ever told you that?"
"Uh..."

It's not healthy. It needs to stop.

Yet I experience moments every day when I feel a strong urge to hop off that wagon. Today my boss showed me a video of Sarah Palin speaking in front of a turkey slaughter house while this dude in overalls standing right behind her slits their throats and puts them through a machine that holds them up while they bleed to death. And as I watched her talk about Thanksgiving dinner at the Palin house while this headless turkey kicked furiously behind her, I wanted nothing more than to sign on, post the link and write "Maverick" in the additional comments section.

God, I miss Facebook. But it's always wise to have a good sanity check.

Still,
Maverick.

Don't Argue with the Crazies

This past week there was a great deal of controversy surrounding one infamously charming redhead's comments on the CMC Forum about gays, the sanctity of marriage, the disgusting homosexual lifestyle and just about every other right-wing, homophobic cliche you can think of. The editor in chief took it down, and such is his right as the proprietor of a private enterprise. But Red got huffy and started throwing fistfuls of proverbial shit all over the internet eliciting a massive backlash from the do-gooder campus liberals. And I don't mean to insult them when I say that because many of them are my good friends and some of them posted extremely eloquent, well crafted arguments on the Forum's website. But I have to say it:

Don't argue with the crazies. Please, don't argue with the crazies.

I don't know this kid personally but he is the kind of individual that I feel comfortable sizing up from a distance. He has perfected a skill that takes very little talent but draws a lot of attention: he offends people. He offends people on a deeply personal level and he does it because he feeds off of attention the way most of us live off of say, food. He does not say controversial things, he says sensational things. There's a big difference. He does not form well-structured arguments using factual information to back up his points, he spews unfounded opinions that are not only misguided but terribly unoriginal. It's shock value. He has the personality equivalent of a SAW movie.

I don't even want to mention his name because I'm sure this kid googles himself on a regular basis and does a little happy dance every time he shows up as the center of attention in some random person's blog. I don't want to mention his name because he is irrelevant. He is a caricature and he should be a joke... but he's not.

And this is where I must make my biggest criticism, and it does not lie with Archie. No, my liberal com padres, I must criticize you. Because every time you say anything to this kid, he wins. Even if you make a great argument and everyone can agree that you are in the right, and even if he can't convince one person that his opinions are superior and even if everyone stands in a circle around him patting each other on the back preparing to burn him at the stake, he wins. He wins because when you argue with him, you validate him.

His source of his power is not the strength of his arguments; it is his ability to offend you. This is not about winning, it's about controlling your own ego, because the only way to beat him is to deny him the satisfaction of being worth your time. If you want to fight for gay rights, do it on your own terms.

Never argue with the crazies. Choose your battles, some of them matter.

The Mysterious Golden Egg

My roommate just got back from the quick-e mart down the street and gave me the rest of her Maiji yan yan choco cream snacks. Cool, right? You have no idea. For those of you who are not aware, yan yans are cookie sticks that you dip in Nutella-like spread. So I went right for the kill and halfway into my first stick she stopped me, "wait, what does it say?"

A bit confused, I looked at the stick which read, "Horse... Gallop Away"
what?
So I pick up another stick: "Zebra... Herbivore"
Okay one is a command one would use particularly with horses and the other is a descriptive noun that does pertain to Zebras but really includes a much larger class of animals what the hell is this?
Next stick: "Squirrel... Your Best Friend"
False. And completely irrelevant. Doesn't even tell me anything factual about squirrels.
"Seal... Loves to Sun Tan"
uh huh..
"Rabbit... Eat more carrots"
No, you eat more carrots
"Sheep... Wool Sweater"
wow, poor taste
"Mole... in a hole"
Oh my dear God.

Why would you even think of putting these words on sticks? And all together???? I mean... it just makes so little sense, whoever did this is an absolute genius (or Japanese, but still).
And then the best stick of all just says "Golden Egg" and nothing else. But of course, there are no words to describe a golden egg. I mean it's not like a beetle which, I don't know about you, but automatically makes me think "lucky color brown." No, golden eggs are a rare breed of... seriously, that's not even an animal why include it?

I have no idea but i can't stop giggling.

Many thanks to the nation of Japan (or possibly Korea) for giving me a great reason to stop reading about the Todaro Model (pictured left, under the yan yans). I literally stopped everything I was doing and ran out to the living room to steal batteries from the remote control so I could turn on my shitty camera to take a picture of these things. I had to, I was really hungry. Just in the course of writing this blog entry I have eaten every single one of those sticks except for Golden Egg. I could never part with the elusive Golden Egg.