Anorexia 101

When I was growing up I never really understood why being anorexic was so bad. I mean if your collarbones are sticking out so far you could use them as weapons then I guess knew that wasn't so great. But a lot of girls I know always had the same go-to explanation for why any given hot girl looked the way she did: "well she's super anorexic, that's why."

Well sign me up. I always wanted to be anorexic, I was just never really good at it. In high school we used to have monthly seminars on "student health" which consisted mostly of formerly anorexic students and teachers talking about their obsessive habits and how difficult it was to overcome their disorder of looking awesome. I treated these seminars not so much as precautionary info sessions but as how-to classes - jotting down notes in my head of what I needed to do to develop an eating disorder. Not to mention I have a fairly unhealthy addiction to cheese.

Unfortunately, the work load was a bit daunting: counting every calorie; eating salads with no dressing; running 20 miles a day. For me counting calories has always been more about rationalizing calories. If I look at a box and the food is really high in fat or sugar, then I just convince myself that I will go running and eat light dinner to make up for it - I then promptly forget about this, take a nap and eat a bunch of taquitos for dinner.

I guess I kept hoping that one of the speakers would finally motivate me or show me the quick and easy path to anorexia - one that didn't involve giving up cheese or developing a rigorous exercise schedule. There was the woman who talked about how she wouldn't chew gum sometimes because she couldn't afford the calories, which seemed difficult since I'm pretty sure cheese has more calories than gum. Then there was the woman who said she used to run ten miles a day and spend every spare moment in the gym. That solution really seemed like it would cut into the 2 to 300 hours of day I spend watching TV (just kidding, it's more like 6).

There was also the bulimic path but I have always had a strange aversion to throwing up, even when I have to because of Ebola or something. Throwing up just seems like a sign of weakness. Anorexia is far more appealing, it's all about strength of mind.

Girl after girl I met with anorexia all pretty much did they same thing, ate a lot of salads, worked out all the time, went years without even thinking of going to MacDonald's... It's just not work that I think I'm cut out for. It really does take quite a strong mind - and perhaps a few psychological problems - to become a truly successful anorexic. As for the rest of us, there is always the delicious taste of MacDonald's new triple cheeseburgers, now 2 for $3!