I eat a lot of spinach, you can probably tell

Today I ran into the bro-iest young man I have talked to in a long time. I was walking back to my apartment carrying Dominos pizza when he ran me down at the gate all pumped up and ready to hit on some girls.

“Yo. You’ve got a pizza” (he was observant)

“Yes I do.”

“What kind is it?”

“It’s a spinach pizza”

“Spinach that’s awesome. I eat a lot of spinach. You can probably tell.” (At this point he flexes his bicep at me, which I thought was something that guys only did in bad teen movies from the 90s)

“Oh yeah, you can definitely tell”

“Yeah my great-grandfather was Popeye” (verbatim)

“Well… good to know”

So okay, yes I mock him and I look down at him like his behavior is beneath me, but this is certainly not the case. In fact, the reason his behavior irritates me is probably because in many ways it mirrors my own. Only his strategy is simpler; it’s more direct. He makes inane conversation about my pizza and flexes his muscles at me. I, on the other hand, make subtle remarks about my GPA and tease nearly-grown men incessantly like a fifth grade boy. I also bowl, play video games and I can chug a beer in under 10 seconds. I like to think that those things make me cool but in all honesty I know that I’m really just flexing my muscles.

Back in the days when women stayed in the manor to hone the finer skills of music composition and embroidery, I suppose the best way to attract a man was to exhibit poise, talent and grace. Also it probably helped if you were hot. Now we diligently study the names of every starting player in the NFL until the day when suddenly we seem to give a shit about draft picks. It isn’t the strategy I usually opt for (if you couldn’t already tell by my likely misuse of sports-related jargon), but it bears resemblance to some of my own tactics.

The new best way to get a guy it seems is to be more like a guy. This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy the things I’m interested in or that I never take any interest in things that stray from the definition of masculine but I do admit that liking things that guys like or being good at things that guys are good at… well there’s an added bonus there. Liking those things increases your stock. It says “hey, hanging out with me is fun so you might actually enjoy dating me.” Also it still probably helps if you’re hot.

In any case, girls who always insist on watching Jane Austin dramas or any number of romantic comedies staring Kate Hudson may deserve an over-the-top eye roll but at least they do it for themselves. There is nothing more counterproductive than crying during a chick flick when you’re trying to impress a guy, but at least it’s honest. Knowing to use the term “map” when you’re playing Call of Duty doesn’t really say anything about you except “when I was younger I played almost exclusively with My Little Pony action figures and now I’m trying to pretend like that never happened.” (On the same vein of honesty I suppose I should admit that I suck at Call of Duty although I’ve been told I’m pretty good for a girl… ah my stroked ego).

Not that I would have it any other way. I like being “one of the guys.” Most girls do. But I do cringe a little when I hear that expression because I know that although I do love guys, I am not one of them. Far from it… I am a girl. I know how to French braid hair, I own all six seasons of Gilmore Girls, I have dressed up like 4 different Disney princesses for Halloween in my life (once in high school), it takes me just under an hour to pick out an outfit in the morning and I have seen every season of Project Runway. I have also seen every episode of South Park anywhere from 3 to 50 times but this is just one of many, many facts about me that I choose to share with other people. And most of the time, when I mention that little piece of information to guy I’m interested in, I can’t help but feel that I might as well be saying my great grandfather was Popeye.