As a disclaimer I want to go ahead and point out that this is satire and that I am not criminally insane. If you are an attractive straight male who shares my sense of humor, I promise I will not do any of these things to you, and if I do I promise you will never find out about it.
Strategy: Lets say you recently slept with a friend of a friend who you find very attractive but you don't know that much about. You're looking to have a big crush and obsess over someone cause it's been a while since the last guy you obsessed over stopped calling you so you want to find out the best possible way to just build up as strong of a connection as you can to someone who otherwise would be more or less a complete stranger. Well, here you have it: my foolproof method for really making sure that when this budding failure of a relationship doesn't work out that you experience the maximum amount of deeply personal pain and withdrawal.
1. Facebook, facebook, facebook. Whoever said that looking through every picture of the person you like several times a day was a bad idea was just being really careful about it. When you are sure no one you know is around, perhaps when you are in a public place full of strangers like Starbucks or even when you are just alone in your room, this is really the best time to really focus on flipping through not only pictures of the person but also pictures that they have posted as well. Remember, the funny comments that the person writes about each of their own pictures will give you more of a personal connection than just looking at pictures of the person you like from someone else's facebook albums. Also feel free to pick out a few favorites e.g. oh this person really looks good in a hat, and return to those pictures every once in a while to really lock in that obsessive attachment.
2. Read some of the things they have written. Again, facebook is a good source for a lot of these things. A lot of people have links to their blogs or other websites where you can find things that they have written (if they wrote opinion pieces for their college newspaper perhaps). Also make sure to skim through the things they have written in their facebook info section so you can pick out all your common interests, real or imagined, and build up even further the idea that this is the one and only person for you. All this information is very useful when it comes to picking the right conversation topics and revisiting old movies and songs that you forgot about to remind you just how similar and compatible the two of you really are.
3. Pay more attention to his friends. Even when he is not around it is always a good idea to make sure all his friends love you so they can go back and tell him how awesome it is that he hooked up with you. You should treat any time with friends as an audition for the role of serious girlfriend. Also hanging out frequently with his friends will make you grow attached to them as well, making it even more difficult to sever the emotional ties to your new relationship.
4. Save his texts. You never know when he will stop texting so it is really a good idea to save any messages that he sends you (email, text, missed call list, ect.) so you can go back and look at them when communication slows down. This way you can remind yourself how cute and thoughtful he is even when he isn't exhibiting those traits at this particular juncture in your relationship.
5. Daydream. The best way to really lock into a shaky relationship is to imagine how perfect that relationship will be in a few months or say, ten years. Imagining marriage proposals and wedding celebrations is really the best way to do this but imagining how your children will look will do just as well. Any time you spend imagining the perfect life that the two of you have together will convince you even further that the relationship you have now is just as perfect and promising.
Well there you have it. Before long you too can spend several hours at a time watching the clock and counting the minutes since you sent your last text message while you formulate a clever way to send a second one, or perhaps call because some people just don't text, right? Keep informed with more of my relationship tips about strategies for showing up in the same places, the tricky 3 am text message or proper poking decorum!
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