Crazy Book

I keep a diary. I do this because if I didn't keep a diary I would probably turn into a crazy person.

About 99.2% of the time when one of my friends finds out I have a diary they ask "ooooh can I read it!?" And the answer is no. No, you cannot read it, and that goes for everyone. It isn't as if there are any secrets in there. I'm not badmouthing my friends behind their backs and three-way calling them with their boyfriends on the other line (at least not since I was twelve years old). I tell my friends what is going on with me for the most part. I tell different people different things based on how well I know them and what I usually talk to them about.

It's not like that. My diary is not full of secrets. It's full of crazy.

My diary is where I unleash crazy me. I don't like to get angry in front of people. I don't like to get sad in front of them. I generally do not like sharing any emotions with people aside from happy and giggles. Sometimes I get a bit emo and quiet but that's as bad as it gets. And that means that I tend to develop some pent up anger. I get rid of it in two ways: I either rant to close friends (pretty mild stuff), or I write in my diary (crazytown).

I do not want these diaries handed down to posterity. I might keep them with me so I can read them again when I'm older and have a good laugh, but if I ever suspect that I might be about to die, I'm going to burn them all. Diary me is crazy, irrational and almost the complete opposite of real life me. Diary me talks about boys almost 100% of the time. Diary me has filled up almost an entire book with entries about one guy... not once, but twice (2 different guys, at least I'm not that crazy).

Real life me is ashamed of diary me. I want to slap diary me across the face and yell, "GET IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!" But alas, if diary me didn't exist then I wouldn't be a rational, well-rounded person.

Everyone has a little crazy in them. Some of us want to share it with the world and some of us make a conscious decision not to. I don't really understand why some people choose to rant about ex-boyfriends on public online forums, but the rant itself... not too unusual. All I'm saying is if you don't think you have some crazy in you then you are probably the biggest crazy you know.

In any case, I'm not very well represented in these books. I once made the stupid decision of letting a couple of my friends read one in middle school. Actually one of my friends stole the diary from out of my room and I caught her with it when I was over at her house one day and this piece of paper slipped out that I knew had stashed in my diary and then we got into a big fight... my life was so much more exciting back then. Anyway it did not turn out well - they each finished the book and looked up at me with an expression of horror that I wasn't really expecting. I just hadn't given any of the entries a second read. Little did I know that this is where I had been hiding all of my most disturbing, embarrassing qualities for years.

Still, although it doesn't really represent me the way I want it to - I have other things that I'd rather have people read to get an idea of who I am - my crazy book is really important for my well-being. At the end of every crazy rant I do usually come to some rational conclusions, and that is what everyone else sees; not a stable, level-headed person, but the end result of hours and hours of crazy exhausted on paper so I can go about my regular life like a sane person.